jesus'_bright_red_pants
October 11th '05, 11:56 AM
Found these whilst looking for a laugh today.
Scousers won't approve and I didn't mean to offend !
One day a man was walking through a park in Manchester,
when he saw a young mother pushing her pram.
As he passed her, this big alsatian dog jumped over a
hedge, dived into the pram, and grabbed the young
womans distraught baby.
The man realised quickly what was happening and
jumped on top of the dog.
He wrestled the baby free and then killed the dog.
He then picked up the baby and gave it back to the mother.
Another man who was sitting on a park bench nearby, seen
what had took place, and came over to the man who
had saved the baby.
He said, "That was amazing. I work for the local paper
and Iwould like to do an article on you
and what has happened."
The man smiled and replied, "Yes, that'll be sound."
The reporter started writing,
"Young Man United fan saves young family."
The man interupted him, "I'm not a Man United fan."
"Oh I'm sorry", replied the reporter, "Man City Fan
saves young family."
"I'm not a Man City fan either", replied the man.
"What do you mean?" said the reporter.
"I live in Liverpool", said the man.
"OH", said the reporter, "in that case".
He started writting again,
"Scouse bastard kills family pet"
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ?
A: The Bride
Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool
Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
Q:What's long, scouse, and goes around corners?
A:The Dole queue.
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken for a scouse women.
Q:Why did Rafa Benitez go to Argos?
A:It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.
A scouser goes into to see his doctor with a large pus filled boil on his face. The doctor says "What's that horrible growth you've got there?" The Scouser replies "Its a dirty great boil aint it!" To which the doctor retorts "Shut up - I was talking to the boil!"
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside. Liverpool Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.
One is an Mancunian, one a Scouser, and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor -
as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over
and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up
getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Mancunian raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark
skinned infant with dreadlocks saying "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine !"
The doctor looked bewildered and said "Well sir of all the babies, I would have thought that maybe this child could
be of West Indian descent."
"That's a maybe", said the Mancunian, "but one of the other two is a Scouser and I'm not taking the risk."
One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little b*****ds!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I
gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have
come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now piss off!!!!!"
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
"They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"
Liverpools newest big-name signing, a Bosnian International, has just scored on his debut for the club and
immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
Bosnian: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop on my debut and all the fans love me.
Mum: That's wonderful. But I'm afraid that things here at home aren't so good.
Bosnian: Why, what's happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball
bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can't walk anymore, and then raped
your sister before moving on to the dog.
Bosnian: That's terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn't you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?
Scousers won't approve and I didn't mean to offend !
One day a man was walking through a park in Manchester,
when he saw a young mother pushing her pram.
As he passed her, this big alsatian dog jumped over a
hedge, dived into the pram, and grabbed the young
womans distraught baby.
The man realised quickly what was happening and
jumped on top of the dog.
He wrestled the baby free and then killed the dog.
He then picked up the baby and gave it back to the mother.
Another man who was sitting on a park bench nearby, seen
what had took place, and came over to the man who
had saved the baby.
He said, "That was amazing. I work for the local paper
and Iwould like to do an article on you
and what has happened."
The man smiled and replied, "Yes, that'll be sound."
The reporter started writing,
"Young Man United fan saves young family."
The man interupted him, "I'm not a Man United fan."
"Oh I'm sorry", replied the reporter, "Man City Fan
saves young family."
"I'm not a Man City fan either", replied the man.
"What do you mean?" said the reporter.
"I live in Liverpool", said the man.
"OH", said the reporter, "in that case".
He started writting again,
"Scouse bastard kills family pet"
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ?
A: The Bride
Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool
Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
Q:What's long, scouse, and goes around corners?
A:The Dole queue.
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken for a scouse women.
Q:Why did Rafa Benitez go to Argos?
A:It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.
A scouser goes into to see his doctor with a large pus filled boil on his face. The doctor says "What's that horrible growth you've got there?" The Scouser replies "Its a dirty great boil aint it!" To which the doctor retorts "Shut up - I was talking to the boil!"
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside. Liverpool Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.
One is an Mancunian, one a Scouser, and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor -
as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over
and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up
getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Mancunian raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark
skinned infant with dreadlocks saying "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine !"
The doctor looked bewildered and said "Well sir of all the babies, I would have thought that maybe this child could
be of West Indian descent."
"That's a maybe", said the Mancunian, "but one of the other two is a Scouser and I'm not taking the risk."
One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little b*****ds!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I
gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have
come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now piss off!!!!!"
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
"They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"
Liverpools newest big-name signing, a Bosnian International, has just scored on his debut for the club and
immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
Bosnian: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop on my debut and all the fans love me.
Mum: That's wonderful. But I'm afraid that things here at home aren't so good.
Bosnian: Why, what's happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball
bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can't walk anymore, and then raped
your sister before moving on to the dog.
Bosnian: That's terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn't you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?