I'm just really lost.

[Reality]

As long as I can remember my lifes been pretty messed up. I never made friends with the kids around despite my siblings being friends with theirs. It was probably due to the fact that I was scared of people...The earliest memories I have are of when I was 5 and I'm standing between my mom and dad while he's flipping shit over and screaming his lungs out. I don't know why I did it, I always end up hurt. I eventually made friends, really, really good friends. Though, no matter what people mean to you they have lives too and you can't really do much as a kid. By the age of 8 I was a some what normal kid with normal friends, though freakishly large. Friends and crushes came and went in life as the years went by. The best friends I've ever had drifted in and out through the years, always coming back after a year or two.

At the age of 10 four of my close relatives died with in a period of 6 months, they all suffered. I'm not sure how long it was after that, maybed 13 or 14, but life went downhill. People started dieing faster and faster. Friends I could talk to moved away, or commited suicide. I became a threat to my dad because I had outgrown him and he could no longer do anything without me hitting back. I fell in love, she got cancer. I fell in love, she told me she's moving away. I've fallen into a deep depression because I have nothing else to do other than thing of the ways my life is messed up. My voice which was once booming and deep is now quiet and distant. I wish for death and yet fear it.

I'm just horribly lost. Hatred drives me, death scares me, and there is no God.

[Mikki]

You should allow yourself to grieve when you lose something, and then allow yourself to get over it. We can't do anything else about it. So you've got to pick yourself up, and stop thinking too much about the past, and everything else. Stop dwelling! And people move away, people die, that's just life, and you've gotta continue yours!

=|

[mandude]

I know how you feel about relatives dying, and friends coming and going, I've had my fair share of crap like that and it's still happening. You just have to distance yourself from things in your past like that. Don't think about it too much. Remember the people and not how they're gone or how they died. You'll move on and meet new friends.

And the problem with your dad, you should probably sort that out with authorities or something. Nothing else will sort that out, really. Good luck.

[Kerry]

You've had a rollercoaster of a ride havn't you eh?

I agree with Mandude on how not to think of them as gone. I believe that there is an afterlife and one day you'll see them again, but everyone differs.

It's hard losing people like that and you think your life gets worse and worse but infact one day you will realise your life is getting so much better, no one can ever replace those people or make you get over losing them but even if it seems really hard you gotta move on and that doesn't mean forget, they wouldn't want you feeling like this at all now would they?

I know what it's like to have friends come and go, it's happened all my life, thing is there not real friends if they are like that are they? And you sharn't worry cos one day you'll get some even if it's one, to me one real friend is a lot better and a dozen fke ones.

Good Luck I hope it all goes well :).

[Leon]

I would post my reply, but i think Mandude and Kerry pretty much covered it all, that's great advice:)

I wish you good luck.