I'm going mad.

[God.]

No joke.

I have a massive feeling of "everyone has just moved on and left you behind" - i.e, they don't give a shit about me.

It's hard cos I see everyone having such a great time on here, especiallyLucie, and I want to be a part of that.

I'm really, really, not coping with the distance. Everyone and anyone now has the opportunities to speak to Lucie more than me, and do. We barely speak anymore, and there's a horrible feeling that I'm just not important anymore.

I've been diagnosed as bipolar. This is the low me talking, and then suddenly I'll be amazingly happy. The low me is winning though. The low me says things to Lucie and the people closest to me that seems to make them want to rid themselves of me.

The low me drags me into paranoia about everyone and everything. I don't think I'm going to be dumped, I don't think Lucie wants anyone else, and I don't think she doesn't love me anymore. I do, however, fear all of them. The low me makes me believe them to be true, and no matter how much good is said, the low me will never believe it.

I get jealous of things like Lucie posting gorgeous pictures of herself in the member pics thread, and saying that Bob helped her to choose them. Why not me? Because I'm not there. Why aren't you there? because I can't be. Why can't you be? because you're homeless, and 70 miles away.

I took an overdose of painkillers on monday. at that very moment, I was dead already. The amalgamation of all my stresses had just gotten too much. The low me wanted me to die, the other me wanted to see Lucie, but I have no idea when that might be.

For the first time in a while, the other me won. It made me call an ambulance immediately and seek treatment.

Yesterday, I looked into the mirror and felt thin. Another first.

Yet I cry myself to sleep every night, because my world is collapsing around me, the very people I need closest to me are miles away and enjoying life more then they did when I was there, the low me says.

I don't have anyone to turn to. Everytime I try to air my grievances, they're not interested, they have better things to do.

[~Wayne~]

Dude I wish I was good at giving advice at times like this but I guess the only thing I can do is offer someone to listen to your problems

[Rashella]

A counsellor or a therapist is a really good idea.. i just dont know how to help you. I wish i could. But have you told your mum how much being forced out of your house has affected you? Bipolars pretty serious, maybe she'll help?

[Bob!]

I get jealous of things like Lucie posting gorgeous pictures of herself in the member pics thread, and saying that Bob helped her to choose them. Why not me? Because I'm not there. Why aren't you there? because I can't be. Why can't you be? because you're homeless, and 70 miles away.

As to that I can honestly say I didn't even utter an "oo err", I just laughed and participated because I liked the idea behind it of taking the piss with em, and also cause I was there at the time, otherwise I'd have handed the job over to you.

I can understand why ya feel that way and I probably would if the situation was reversed but all I can say is, she's yours dude so I wouldn't even think "that" way, I'd rather ya both just be together and happy ya? Itd take a real coldhearted and absolute utter bastard to try or even think anythin else, especially at such times like this. And that, I am definitely not.

With the rest of the fears well its good that ya realise the reality behind em even when ya are thinkin negative but a man always fears for what he values most, especially when weakened by other things, so its natural and at the very least it shows ya care a LOT, and that should deff mean somethin.

As to the rest of things well theres not much I can say, except hang in there and hope things go ok, so do ya best to stand tall where others would fall.

And whatever ya say ya are just as much a part of us as anyone else, ya have been for a long while and always will. Just stick in there ya? :)