Now what?

[eversosweet]

hmm. just need some thoughts on this situation.

i've known this guy tim since i was...about 11 years old and we've gone to school together since 6th grade until now (we're seniors now :D) anyways, around the middle of 8th grade, i definitely liked him, but eventually got over it due to his extremely serious girlfriend (well, as serious as 8th grade can be. they had been dating for over a year though) and i figured it would be best if we were just good friends. after 8th grade he dumped his girlfriend for me, wrote me a song (which his band still plays to this day), and pretty much fell hard-core for me. unfortunately, i was pretty much madly in love with one of his friends (well, as madly in love as early freshman year can be), and once again just figured that it would be best if we were good friends. so anyways, for the past three years, we've sporatically liked each other (just never at the same time, and we pretty much gave up on telling the other one because of the 8th grade situation), but throughout all this we've become extremely close. he is one of my best friends and i love him dearly. he has helped me through sooo many things (namely my exboyfriend, andrew, and swore that because andrew hurt me, he would make andrew's life a living hell). other than that, i've given him advice on his latest girlfriend (her name is ellyn, she is lovely, she is a friend of mine, and they've been together for more than a year and a half). i've helped him pick out presents, plan dates, supported him through relationships trials, etcetc. at first i was worried that ellyn would have a problem with our friendship, but she swore she didn't.

moving on to recent events. first of all, there's plenty "incidental touching". you know, where it looks not on purpose, but really it is. another thing: we were driving back from a piano recital rehersal thing (we take music from the same teacher at the same college) and he took me out for coffee afterwards, paid for me, and informed me that if we ever get married, we were going to live on Pearl St. he invited me over for a poker night with his brother, and when i asked him where ellyn was, he had no idea. i visited him at work to help him study for exams and he introduced me to his coworker as his "second girlfriend". at the actual piano recital, the air condioner broke and so we sat out in the hall by ourselves for the first half of the program before we had to play. he took my wrist and was finding my pulse. he told me it was really fast. then he grabbed hand and told me it sped up. soo...feeling very awkard i did the same thing to him, except i couldn't find his. he told me, "it wouldn't matter anyways, Rachel, i was just holding your hand so it's already incredibly fast."

so today i call him to ask if he wants to go to a movie with me and two friends. he regretfully says no because he was working but i tell him i will stop in to say hi. he says, don't, because ellyn was planning on coming in. i ask him why that would be a problem and he tells me that recently ellyn confided in him that we kind of bothered her. he assured her we were "just friends" but she responded that it always seemed like that was "just a little more".

and. now i think i like him. again. just a little. maybe more than a little - i don't know. but i can't have him break up with another girl for me. ellyn is my friend and i know they are so happy together but...ah. i don't know what to do.

sorry that was really long, but advice would be swell.

[Rashella]

Hmm if Ellyn is a friend of yours and you value her and care about her i suggest you ignore this feeling like you have done before. He is with her now. You have done it before so you can do it again. You should ask this guy what he wants, does he really like this Ellyn or is he just using her in the meantime till you like him again? Id also try to stay sort of friends with him, that means things friends would do and keep the flirting to a minimal. As flirting is not going to help you ignore these feelings at all.

[Leon]

If Ellyn is your friend, not his to start with, then surely she should have confided in you also if not first that the recent actions between you had bothered her. I guess it was easier to tell him rather than another girl in the situation.

Judging by your recent actions I can't really blame Ellyn for thinking that there may be a little more between you then what you let on. It seems to me that he likes you, from how you described it, but at the same time likes Ellyn. However I agree with Rashella that it is starting to sound like he likes you while with Ellyn and she is just there for the sake of it at the minute and he would rather have you.
However he can't have both of you so he needs to make up in his mind who he wants, but while he is still happy and with Ellyn you really shouldn't intrude and need to just make it clear to him that he has a girlfriend when he tries to do something, like the holding hand thing you mentioned.

It will be hard to keep friends with both of them but you need to try, if all of you are together just try and make it as clear as possible, through body language etc, that there is nothing between you and Tim to her. Possibly just mention to her that you like another boy, even if you don't really like them, it may convince her that your mind is on others rather than Tim.

As of now it appears to me that it is Tim making all of the moves on you, taking you for coffee, holding your hand, inviting you over when Ellyn isn't there, you need to make him back off a little, sometimes turn him down when he offers something.

If Tim ever ends with Ellyn, then that would be the time for all the things between you to happen, not now, as you may inadvertently be the end of them and then one of them will fall out with you severely. You don't want that to happen so for now just be happy for them.

I hope that helped and that you can work something out between you.

[eversosweet]

thanks, that did help :D

[eversosweet]

new happenings.
so last night i went to visit timmy at work with my friend because we wanted his advice on something...and ellyn walked in with her group of friends. it was one of the most awkward situations ever. in an attempt to alleviate the awkwardness, i just talk about random stuff like nothing is happening. then timmy brings up how we were going to go running together after he got off work. keep in mind that ellyn is right behind us. then he makes me promise i'll call him and such so we can set up the time etcetc.
so i go running with him after he gets off work. we're running through his allotment and he casually mentions, "i can see ellyn driving through here with her friends right now. that would be just my luck."
i ask him why that would be bad, because we had talked about going running in front of her. he says, completely seriously, "she would probably break up with me if she saw us running right now." why would he go running with me if he was so sure that doing just that would end their relationship?
anyways, later on the run, timmy gets a cramp so we stop and walk for a while. i mention that if ellyn saw us right now it would be really awful, because then it just looked like we were taking a walk together, which is way more suspicious than going on a run. he proceeds to put his arm around me.
i kind of laugh and whatever but...i'm so entirely confused. i've been trying to do what you guys suggested, just trying to stay friends like we've been forever and stuff...but what in the world is HE doing?
i dont think he wants to break up with her, but could it be possible that he wants her to break up with him?
help guys.

[Leon]

I think exactly that, I reckon he wanted her to hear you promising to ring him and go running with him. Then he wanted her to see you two together running, then thought even better if you weren't even running, so faked he had cramp possibly.
He doesn't want to break up with her because it would seem obvious why, yet he wants her to break up with him, then he would be free to possibly go out with you. Which I think is what he wants really.

[eversosweet]

this is hard to explain, but it never seems like he's serious when he's flirting or whatever. like when he put his arm around me, it seemed like it was all in good fun, like a joke between or something. so i feel lame making a big deal out of it, because it always just seems friendly. but then again...i honestly dont recall it being like this before, and geez he has a girlfriend and i thought he liked her immensely. in fact i'm pretty sure he still does, from how he talks about her and stuff. i honestly don't know what is going through his head. but anyways, what should i do now? like how do i act around him and around ellyn and ugh...this is just messy. i don't want to be wierd around him because i don't want to ruin our friendship if this does turn out to be nothing after all. although i feel wierd not doing anything about it too...because then he might think that i don't have a problem with it.
should i talk to him about it or would that just be a bad idea?

[Leon]

Just don't be seen to be the one causing thing between the two of you, let him do the arranging to meet you, putting his arms round you, sometimes say no, if you do anything Ellyn may be waiting for it to happen and split up with him like I previously said.

[eversosweet]

so do i talk to him about it?
and thanks loads for the help leon! :)

[Leon]

I wouldn't confront him about it just yet, see if he carries on to be persistent in his actions towards you, if he tries it again, then have a word with him.