Lita12
June 22nd '07, 07:02 PM
Hey people i just came across this website and just need to talk to someone. im 20 year old chick from Australia and i have really bad depression.
I had a pretty shit childhood and all that but i didnt really let anything bother me and was never really unhappy. when i was at high school i had heaps of friends from different groups to talk with at school and stuff and a main group of friends. even though i had friends st school that i hang around i didnt have many friends to do stuff with out of school, all my so called friends would hang out with me at school but they would do stuff go out go to parties whatever and they started not including me, i always felt like i was left out of everything and that i didnt have any real friends that cared. my best friend from since i was born she was still my friend but she was always doing stuff with everyone else and never included me,and started caring less and less i felt like all the other girls were more important the only time i would c her is when i contacted her, i felt really alone and that i didnt know who my friends were.was never ivited anywhere and was always alone wishing i had something cool to do besides sitting at home by myself. my main problem is that i never talked about how i was feeling i was trying to ignore it and make myself seem happy but i dont know if anyone would have wanted to listen anyway. I didnt know whether they were doing it on purpose and i know i should have just asked if i could come places but i guess i didnt think they would want me around, i know they were into drugs n shit and i didnt, but just coz i not into it dont mean i wouldnt hang around them when they do it or whateva it doesnt bother me what others do. well anyway i was spending all my weekends by myself and started to feel really boring, really alone really down like i wanted my teen years to be fun and i feel like that i wansnt experiencing anything good and that my life wasnt good enough as everyone elses i went to hardly any parties i never had anyone to go with like felt likei am a looser, even though i know how stupid it is.also live in a town where theres not much to do.i didnt ave depression then but i was starting to feel bad but trying not to. Then i started going out with a guy when i was 16. he was really paraniod and controlling. even if id just go c a friend hed think i was cheating on him. I felt like i couldnt c my friends and do anything without him and he was with me 24/7 sufforcating me. i felt even more isolated and he never wanted to go out or doin anything but i couldnt do anything without him so my life was even more boring. this is when my depression hit me, cried constantly at the drop of a hat over nothing. we went out for 2 and a half years.
Anyway, sorry for the loong post. when i broke up with that bf i got a new bf which im still with now. hes the best bf ever and since i been goin out to the pub n stuff i have heaps of friends that i can do stuff with and invite out all the time. My problem now is even though my life has improved a lot my old feelings still remain the same. even when im doing something good my mind is thinking of things in the past and i cant fully enjoy the moment. im always thinking about the past and cant enjoy the now as much as i try everythings tumbled on top of me. i try to just be happy with my life and how i am now but i cant. I still feel like im not as good as everyone else, and that everyone else has experienced more than me in life and thative missed out on so much stuff ive never fit in anywhere.i feel lyke i havent experienced enough 4 a 20 yr old i know it is stupid thoughts about superficial stuf but its a reuccurring thoughtsn that just go round and round in my head likea record that i cant turn off and they drive me nuts!!
So my problem is no matter how much better my life gets im scared i will never be truley happy ever again............. everytime i think im happy the depression comes back......it is ruining my life...i dont know how to be happy.
sorry to anyone who has been patient enough to read this loooooonnnng post i just needed to get it out as i havent had many people to talk to in the past. i still feel lyke im not good enough and for someone who used to be used to spending time alone when i am alone for only a short amount of time i start getting anxious that my life is going bak 2 how it was.
I had a pretty shit childhood and all that but i didnt really let anything bother me and was never really unhappy. when i was at high school i had heaps of friends from different groups to talk with at school and stuff and a main group of friends. even though i had friends st school that i hang around i didnt have many friends to do stuff with out of school, all my so called friends would hang out with me at school but they would do stuff go out go to parties whatever and they started not including me, i always felt like i was left out of everything and that i didnt have any real friends that cared. my best friend from since i was born she was still my friend but she was always doing stuff with everyone else and never included me,and started caring less and less i felt like all the other girls were more important the only time i would c her is when i contacted her, i felt really alone and that i didnt know who my friends were.was never ivited anywhere and was always alone wishing i had something cool to do besides sitting at home by myself. my main problem is that i never talked about how i was feeling i was trying to ignore it and make myself seem happy but i dont know if anyone would have wanted to listen anyway. I didnt know whether they were doing it on purpose and i know i should have just asked if i could come places but i guess i didnt think they would want me around, i know they were into drugs n shit and i didnt, but just coz i not into it dont mean i wouldnt hang around them when they do it or whateva it doesnt bother me what others do. well anyway i was spending all my weekends by myself and started to feel really boring, really alone really down like i wanted my teen years to be fun and i feel like that i wansnt experiencing anything good and that my life wasnt good enough as everyone elses i went to hardly any parties i never had anyone to go with like felt likei am a looser, even though i know how stupid it is.also live in a town where theres not much to do.i didnt ave depression then but i was starting to feel bad but trying not to. Then i started going out with a guy when i was 16. he was really paraniod and controlling. even if id just go c a friend hed think i was cheating on him. I felt like i couldnt c my friends and do anything without him and he was with me 24/7 sufforcating me. i felt even more isolated and he never wanted to go out or doin anything but i couldnt do anything without him so my life was even more boring. this is when my depression hit me, cried constantly at the drop of a hat over nothing. we went out for 2 and a half years.
Anyway, sorry for the loong post. when i broke up with that bf i got a new bf which im still with now. hes the best bf ever and since i been goin out to the pub n stuff i have heaps of friends that i can do stuff with and invite out all the time. My problem now is even though my life has improved a lot my old feelings still remain the same. even when im doing something good my mind is thinking of things in the past and i cant fully enjoy the moment. im always thinking about the past and cant enjoy the now as much as i try everythings tumbled on top of me. i try to just be happy with my life and how i am now but i cant. I still feel like im not as good as everyone else, and that everyone else has experienced more than me in life and thative missed out on so much stuff ive never fit in anywhere.i feel lyke i havent experienced enough 4 a 20 yr old i know it is stupid thoughts about superficial stuf but its a reuccurring thoughtsn that just go round and round in my head likea record that i cant turn off and they drive me nuts!!
So my problem is no matter how much better my life gets im scared i will never be truley happy ever again............. everytime i think im happy the depression comes back......it is ruining my life...i dont know how to be happy.
sorry to anyone who has been patient enough to read this loooooonnnng post i just needed to get it out as i havent had many people to talk to in the past. i still feel lyke im not good enough and for someone who used to be used to spending time alone when i am alone for only a short amount of time i start getting anxious that my life is going bak 2 how it was.