blondi15
January 25th '06, 02:33 PM
Beware the Trees!
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A Blonde And A Brunette Are Driving!!
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible.
The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them.
The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Desires Of Heart!
A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will receive the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.
The Redhead walks in and says, "I think I am the most intelligent woman here" and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands. The Brunette walks in and say "I think I am the most beautiful woman here" and *poof* the keys to a mustang falls into her hands.
Next the Blonde walks in and says, "I think..." and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.
Calorie Conscious
Three blondes had just bought a can of Cola One and were anxious to try it for the first time.
So the first blonde opened the can and then the second blonde poured it into three glasses.
The third blonde eyed the three glasses suspiciously and said, "I wonder which one has the calorie?"
Gynae Checkup!
A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she and her husband have tried, she just can’t get pregnant.
The doctor says, "OK, take off your clothes and lay down on the table."
The blonde says, "Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband’s baby."
Ten Blondes
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded, and...
Weighing Scale!
At a pharmacy, a BLONDE woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
Blonde's House Burglary!
Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized.
She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond.
As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, "I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?"
She was so Blonde that...
It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
It took her months to figure out that she could use her AM Radio at night.
At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign Here", she put "Sagittarius".
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said, "Concentrate".
She thought a Quarterback was a Refund.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'Walk & Don't Walk'.
She looked into a box of Cheerios and said, "Oh, look donut seeds!"
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left', she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all the crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their fronts? 'This Goes In Front'.
What's the definition of 'Eternity'? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
Blonde Shopping
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
A Blonde Goes to Vegas
The beautiful young blonde goes to a soda machine at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. She arrives just before a businessman. She opens her purse and put in 50 cents, pushes a Diet Pepsi button, and out comes a Diet Pepsi.
She puts it on a counter by the machine and reaches back into her purse.
She pulls out a dollar and puts it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushes the button for Dr. Pepper and out comes a Dr. Pepper and 50 cents change.
She takes the 50 cents change and puts it in the machine, pushes the Lipton Iced Tea button, and out comes a Lipton's Iced Tea.
As she reaches into her purse again, the businessman who has been waiting patiently for several minutes says, "Excuse me, but are you done yet?"
She looks at him and indignantly replies, "Well Duhhh!!! I'm still winning."
Blonde's Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A Blonde And A Brunette Are Driving!!
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible.
The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them.
The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Desires Of Heart!
A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will receive the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.
The Redhead walks in and says, "I think I am the most intelligent woman here" and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands. The Brunette walks in and say "I think I am the most beautiful woman here" and *poof* the keys to a mustang falls into her hands.
Next the Blonde walks in and says, "I think..." and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.
Calorie Conscious
Three blondes had just bought a can of Cola One and were anxious to try it for the first time.
So the first blonde opened the can and then the second blonde poured it into three glasses.
The third blonde eyed the three glasses suspiciously and said, "I wonder which one has the calorie?"
Gynae Checkup!
A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she and her husband have tried, she just can’t get pregnant.
The doctor says, "OK, take off your clothes and lay down on the table."
The blonde says, "Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband’s baby."
Ten Blondes
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded, and...
Weighing Scale!
At a pharmacy, a BLONDE woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
Blonde's House Burglary!
Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized.
She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond.
As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, "I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?"
She was so Blonde that...
It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
It took her months to figure out that she could use her AM Radio at night.
At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign Here", she put "Sagittarius".
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said, "Concentrate".
She thought a Quarterback was a Refund.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'Walk & Don't Walk'.
She looked into a box of Cheerios and said, "Oh, look donut seeds!"
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left', she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all the crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their fronts? 'This Goes In Front'.
What's the definition of 'Eternity'? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
Blonde Shopping
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
A Blonde Goes to Vegas
The beautiful young blonde goes to a soda machine at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. She arrives just before a businessman. She opens her purse and put in 50 cents, pushes a Diet Pepsi button, and out comes a Diet Pepsi.
She puts it on a counter by the machine and reaches back into her purse.
She pulls out a dollar and puts it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushes the button for Dr. Pepper and out comes a Dr. Pepper and 50 cents change.
She takes the 50 cents change and puts it in the machine, pushes the Lipton Iced Tea button, and out comes a Lipton's Iced Tea.
As she reaches into her purse again, the businessman who has been waiting patiently for several minutes says, "Excuse me, but are you done yet?"
She looks at him and indignantly replies, "Well Duhhh!!! I'm still winning."
Blonde's Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."