Is this depression?

[monarchhz]

I've been feeling a bit down for the past 6 months or so.

Here's a small introduction about me, so the following paragraphs make sense.

I'm 15, male, asian, not great looking, semi-long hair, and live in a caucasian dominated city, which I will not mention. I used to live in Toronto, at an asian-dominated neighbourhood. I came to Canada when I was 6. I moved to this caucasian dominated city in Grade 6. As soon as I came here, I felt merely awkward, unsociable, and concerned on what everybody thought of me. I was talkative when I was in Toronto, but upon moving, I started to talk less or not at all. ANYWAYS...

It really started in Grade 9 last year. Semester 1, I was really happy, on top of the world. I felt like I had it all, that nothing could bring me down. I started talking a more, and I was usually very quiet. Girls were noticing me, which I didn't know if it was good or bad, and I actually got hugs. Now, hugs may seem like a small deal, but it sure wasn't for someone who never had a girlfriend or even a friend that was a girl.

Semester 2, I felt like crap. I started to talk little or not at all. It felt like everyone was moving away from me. I sighed more often. I didn't feel like getting out of bed for school, and I took a lot out on my parents. I began to grow sick of myself. I also noticed that the people that were my friends in Semester 1 were drifting away from me.

It was then I realized that it was no big deal, because I made new friends, but they weren't "friend" friends that you chill with off school, have laughs with, go to the movies with and that you could actually talk to. It was more like they were "school" friends, people that you see and greet only in school. I had plenty "school" friends, but no actually "friend" friends. A good actual friend of mine had moved away, and it almost seemed like I was alone in the world.

Realizing this new loneliness, I started to cry a lot, but only at home where no one could see. I missed the days where it seemed like my self-esteem couldn't be higher. I missed the days when I was in Elementary School. I knew that this feeling couldn't last forever, so I tried read anything on the internet that could help me feel happy. It worked, but only for a while. I would sometimes feel really happy, but only for short times.

So then I came to another realization, looking back at my life. I'm 15, 5'8 or so, never had a girlfriend, have barely any "friend" friends, can't ride a bike, can't swim, I'm not good looking, I'm not charming, I don't have many hobbies or skills, and girls would never consider me to be their boyfriend. But I also knew that maybe I'm coming to a conclusion too soon. I am only 15, and I have my whole life ahead of me.

But at the same time, I feel like I could never be happy where I'm living. I just do not belong here, in this caucasian dominated city. I'm not racist or anything, but I feel like everyone is just watching me, and only know me as this asian guy. I mean, for instance, one time someone asked me, "Hey, why don't you talk that much?" I responded by saying, "I just don't feel like it." Someone joined in the conversation by saying, "Do you understand English? Do you speak fluent English?"

It wasn't really a big deal at first, because it was just a joke. I know some people are just asses and that there are good people out there. But then I realized this, I'm in a crowd of all people, and they're just laughing it up. I don't belong there. I didn't want to fight back, because a fight wouldn't solve anything. I also knew that I wasn't angry at them, but just at this city.

I tried being sociable, talking to girls, but everytime I try, I just ask myself, "What do YOU have to offer?" I come up with a simple answer of nothing. At the moment, I just feel sort of blah. I bawled my eyes out yesterday though. I don't cut myself or anything like that though.

EDIT: I would also like to add another scenario that has happened to me. In Grade 6, when I came to a new school, there was another asian person there in the same grade, a girl. One of her friends said we should date, just because we were asian. Of course, I tried to avoid the situation entirely, but couldn't because it just kept coming up. She went to another school in Grade 7. But when she came back, in Grade 9, I saw her, and of course remember what happened in Grade 6, so tried to avoid her purposely, not to have some awkward crap come up. I purposely did not look at her. One time however, she was walking toward me, and she was covering her face. Now, I tried to think positive, like oh, she must be covering because of the wind. But it's naive to think that. I did nothing in this situation, but it's almost like she hates me. This also got me feeling down a little bit. And she's not a druggy whore or anything, but a nice girl. So I feel like I made a nice girl resent me. I kept thinking what is wrong with me that day.

So would you feel like this if you were in my position? What would you do? What should I do to try and become happier? Am I just whining because I have nothing better to do?

[Leon]

I'm 15, male, asian, not great looking, semi-long hair, and live in a caucasian dominated city, which I will not mention. I used to live in Toronto, at an asian-dominated neighbourhood. I came to Canada when I was 6. I moved to this caucasian dominated city in Grade 6. As soon as I came here, I felt merely awkward, unsociable, and concerned on what everybody thought of me. I was talkative when I was in Toronto, but upon moving, I started to talk less or not at all. ANYWAYS...

But at the same time, I feel like I could never be happy where I'm living. I just do not belong here, in this caucasian dominated city. I'm not racist or anything, but I feel like everyone is just watching me, and only know me as this asian guy. I mean, for instance, one time someone asked me, "Hey, why don't you talk that much?" I responded by saying, "I just don't feel like it." Someone joined in the conversation by saying, "Do you understand English? Do you speak fluent English?"

It wasn't really a big deal at first, because it was just a joke. I know some people are just asses and that there are good people out there. But then I realized this, I'm in a crowd of all people, and they're just laughing it up. I don't belong there. I didn't want to fight back, because a fight wouldn't solve anything. I also knew that I wasn't angry at them, but just at this city.
Ok to start off, I don't see the massive problem you instantly have with the city you moved to, you seem to have hated it since the minute you moved there, purely because it was full of caucasian people. Ok you say you're not racist but can you not see the point I just made, maybe you should actually give the people in the city a chance rather than judging that it's going to be worse than Toronto purely because there's more caucasian people and less Asians.
It seems you have a problem with yourself being around caucasian people if anything as you said instantly you thought everyone was watching you and it was uncomfortable, it seems to be more that the problem is with you than the city.

As for when that person asked if you didn't speak English properly, well if you sit in a class with them for a semester, hardly ever speak and appear to have a possible overseas descent, then quite honestly what do you want them to think?
I have Asian people in my classes at college, and I try and make conversation with them if they seem quiet to try and help them get some confidence around me in the classroom, but if I've never heard them speak or make a full sentence correctly then I'm bound to think that quite possibly they don't have the best grip of the language. So to break down the barrier of conversation I ask them if they can understand what I'm saying. I wouldn't really take what they said to heart as it was only an expected reaction to be fair, don't let it bother you, and I doubt this person was an asshole as you suggest. Maybe you just need to open yourself out a little more with conversation and talk to people a little more.

I also really doubt that there are loads of people mocking you and laughing at your expense as they have no reason to quite honestly.


It really started in Grade 9 last year. Semester 1, I was really happy, on top of the world. I felt like I had it all, that nothing could bring me down. I started talking a more, and I was usually very quiet. Girls were noticing me, which I didn't know if it was good or bad, and I actually got hugs. Now, hugs may seem like a small deal, but it sure wasn't for someone who never had a girlfriend or even a friend that was a girl.

Semester 2, I felt like crap. I started to talk little or not at all. It felt like everyone was moving away from me. I sighed more often. I didn't feel like getting out of bed for school, and I took a lot out on my parents. I began to grow sick of myself. I also noticed that the people that were my friends in Semester 1 were drifting away from me. As for the sudden change in your attitude, did anything happen between semesters? As you seem to have drastically changed in your thoughts towards everything. Did anything turn sour in your way of classes or relationships with people at school?


It was then I realized that it was no big deal, because I made new friends, but they weren't "friend" friends that you chill with off school, have laughs with, go to the movies with and that you could actually talk to. It was more like they were "school" friends, people that you see and greet only in school. I had plenty "school" friends, but no actually "friend" friends. A good actual friend of mine had moved away, and it almost seemed like I was alone in the world.

Realizing this new loneliness, I started to cry a lot, but only at home where no one could see. I missed the days where it seemed like my self-esteem couldn't be higher. I missed the days when I was in Elementary School. I knew that this feeling couldn't last forever, so I tried read anything on the internet that could help me feel happy. It worked, but only for a while. I would sometimes feel really happy, but only for short times.

So then I came to another realization, looking back at my life. I'm 15, 5'8 or so, never had a girlfriend, have barely any "friend" friends, can't ride a bike, can't swim, I'm not good looking, I'm not charming, I don't have many hobbies or skills, and girls would never consider me to be their boyfriend. But I also knew that maybe I'm coming to a conclusion too soon. I am only 15, and I have my whole life ahead of me.

I tried being sociable, talking to girls, but everytime I try, I just ask myself, "What do YOU have to offer?" I come up with a simple answer of nothing. At the moment, I just feel sort of blah. I bawled my eyes out yesterday though. I don't cut myself or anything like that though.
I can see your point, you have to bear that you have moved to a new city so sadly most of your friends have been left behind. But as I said before just showing a little more confidence and ability to speak around new people is really all it takes.

You're school only friends I'm sure some of them would do things with you out of school if you simply asked, it is hard moving to a new city, (I've never done myself so I can't quite imagine what it's like), but it will have to take some time to build relationships with people and become good friends, I'm sure if you talk to your 'school only' friends a little more your friendship will grow and they may want to do things outside of school hours with you.

As for friends leaving you, it's a sad fact of life. People leave school and if they're lucky have only a few true friends who they will still keep in contact with for years, most you will lose contact with, they may move away, you may move away and some will just not get in contact any more. Everyone has to face these facts at some point and I know how you feel on that, it is tough but try and hold on to the friends you have now. You will always make new friends still throughout every stage of your life, starting new schools, going to college, at work, as you broaden your horizons. There's always new people out there who you will get along with trust me, friends come and go throughout your life. Only a couple stay with you all the way through, and that's if you're lucky.
As you say you are indeed only 15 and really do have so much still ahead of you, you shouldn't let it affect you in the way it does as friends sadly won't always be there, everyone finds this out at some point. I too missed the days at school when you had loads of friends, saw them most nights after school and had loads of fun, but everyone grows up and moves on from that stage at one point or another.
You just have to realise that NO you are not a friendless failure who feels like they have no-one, but realise that you have potential new friends right on front of you and a little confidence goes a long way at your age. There's always a new friend to make every day.


EDIT: I would also like to add another scenario that has happened to me. In Grade 6, when I came to a new school, there was another asian person there in the same grade, a girl. One of her friends said we should date, just because we were asian. Of course, I tried to avoid the situation entirely, but couldn't because it just kept coming up. She went to another school in Grade 7. But when she came back, in Grade 9, I saw her, and of course remember what happened in Grade 6, so tried to avoid her purposely, not to have some awkward crap come up. I purposely did not look at her. One time however, she was walking toward me, and she was covering her face. Now, I tried to think positive, like oh, she must be covering because of the wind. But it's naive to think that. I did nothing in this situation, but it's almost like she hates me. This also got me feeling down a little bit. And she's not a druggy whore or anything, but a nice girl. So I feel like I made a nice girl resent me. I kept thinking what is wrong with me that day.
That's just an unfortunate event, the friend was really only trying to help I think as she thougt you'd have more in common because of your descent, I don't think it was meant in any stereotypical way or something. I would have instead of avoiding it just said you weren't interested in her, in future I would take that and use it. If people come to you with situations, about girls too don't try and avoid them but give a straight answer, otherwise it will only keep coming back up in conversation. It will only annoy you if that happens. Sadly she may dislike you as she may have noticed you've avoided her, I guess stuff happens like that, but you ca only take it as a lesson learned that you can take and put to use on the future. I wouldn't let it bother you that much that one girl may have fallen out with you as girls will come and go frequently too.

I really hope that helped.

[Sweetest.x.Sin]

THIS IS TOO LONG!!

[VraiCanon]

No. I would say you're a typical teenager and it's your hormones making you feel like this.
But if you really want to know, seek advice from a professional.

[Leon]

THIS IS TOO LONG!!That post really helped I must say.

[Innamorata]

Agreed. Most people's problems don't cater for your attention span. They are problems, they are complex.


That post really helped I must say.