Viksta
September 12th '08, 08:46 AM
Where do I start?...I just feel so depressed and lonely lately.
I am in my last year of highschool so it's like I know I can leave everything and start fresh real soon. Just, every day I go to school I get so frustrated. I've been there for five years and everything seems so stale! Everyone knows everyone, and I feel like this fact means I am stuck being the person I was five years ago. Like so much has changed since then! I started at highschool at about the same time I lost a parent to cancer, and it was all too much and I was way introverted and swamped for the first two years. I didn't realise at the time but I think I just couldn't bare to let anyone new into my life at the time, and since it was at a new school when everyone first makes friends to last, I'm stuck in that same position now.
So many years I thought things would get better, my time would come, but now its nearly all over and nothing ever happened. I have about three friends who are awesome, but they never do anything but school work. They never go out on weekends and spend lunchtimes just sitting there blankly. I know I am soo lucky to have friends, like I feel so ungrateful saying this, but because of them it seems like there's even less of an escape. I feel like I am becoming them. I appreciate life, and somewhere in me there is a bubbly, energetic person waiting to escape. I get angry thinking of how many days I waste when there is so much to do, so many places to go, and my friends don't have any idea where I'm coming from. I just don't know what to do to get out of this hole I have dug for myself! Noone else talks to me, because they see me as the boring, empty person I was once, but have grown from so much since. I am scared when I leave it will be even worse! Each day life seems yet more unfufilling and pointless.
Grief is a strange thing...It seems like I have missed out on so much development because of it! I never had anyone to talk to at the time, and because of that it really took over, but heck by now I so over being sad! I want to move on big time but so don't seem to have the skills, like I'm socially undeveloped or something. From all those years hiding away, I have missed out on the whole party thing, relationships, making friends. Like the thought of going to a party, I don't know what I'd do. The boring side of me has taken over everything and I don't know what to do about it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and I apologise for such mindless rambling!
I am in my last year of highschool so it's like I know I can leave everything and start fresh real soon. Just, every day I go to school I get so frustrated. I've been there for five years and everything seems so stale! Everyone knows everyone, and I feel like this fact means I am stuck being the person I was five years ago. Like so much has changed since then! I started at highschool at about the same time I lost a parent to cancer, and it was all too much and I was way introverted and swamped for the first two years. I didn't realise at the time but I think I just couldn't bare to let anyone new into my life at the time, and since it was at a new school when everyone first makes friends to last, I'm stuck in that same position now.
So many years I thought things would get better, my time would come, but now its nearly all over and nothing ever happened. I have about three friends who are awesome, but they never do anything but school work. They never go out on weekends and spend lunchtimes just sitting there blankly. I know I am soo lucky to have friends, like I feel so ungrateful saying this, but because of them it seems like there's even less of an escape. I feel like I am becoming them. I appreciate life, and somewhere in me there is a bubbly, energetic person waiting to escape. I get angry thinking of how many days I waste when there is so much to do, so many places to go, and my friends don't have any idea where I'm coming from. I just don't know what to do to get out of this hole I have dug for myself! Noone else talks to me, because they see me as the boring, empty person I was once, but have grown from so much since. I am scared when I leave it will be even worse! Each day life seems yet more unfufilling and pointless.
Grief is a strange thing...It seems like I have missed out on so much development because of it! I never had anyone to talk to at the time, and because of that it really took over, but heck by now I so over being sad! I want to move on big time but so don't seem to have the skills, like I'm socially undeveloped or something. From all those years hiding away, I have missed out on the whole party thing, relationships, making friends. Like the thought of going to a party, I don't know what I'd do. The boring side of me has taken over everything and I don't know what to do about it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and I apologise for such mindless rambling!