Wise Monkey
August 10th '06, 10:57 PM
well I am ready to open up to people here, this is two letters I wrote to my online BOYFRIEND YES I SAID IT RITE. AND I hate him he used me then dumped me:ot: I HATE HATE HIM HE IS THE SCUM OF THE EARTH AND I WAS DESPERATE.
THIS IS A LETTER FROM A BOY TO HIS LOVER********************************************* ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************* dearest XXXX The word love is such a hard word to understand , so many connections that can be fulfilled. My understanding of the word love in a bond between two lovers. A bond that binds us, that protects and guilds us. I imagine my lover as a man of light, shining apon my dark depressing world. See I was never really a gay 15 year old boy until I met him. My “hunn” he is the real reason why I am who I am today, he helped shaped me advice me and above all ACCEPT ME. I love him for that, its like all my problems just fade away when I am with him. He cheers me up and comforts me when I need him. I could never ask for more in a man then him. As much as love can falsely bear, I belive in it I need to belive in it. It makes me feel the “good” feeling in life that not just anyone can offer. Although my life wasn’t and still is not pretty I have no regrets, as much as I wish it just isn’t in the cards for my life to change in anyway. I guess it all starts when I was made in my mother. After my father found out my mother was pregnate my father abandoned us. I know it was hard for my mother at a early age but she alwayed put on a smile and kissed my cheek like mothers normally do. But I knew that she was hurting in the inside. I felt cheated in life that day on , I been f*cked over by the “Man”. Then he shows up in my life, yes him the one who hurt me mentally and physically. My step father , I don’t blame my mother for marrying him. All those lonely years you are bound to get desperate, I am to blame too. I opened my arms to a “so called” father , but what am I suppose to do? I was a 9 year old fatherless boy , begging for a dad. A dad to play ball with a dad to talk to a Dad to love. I hated it when I went to school and looked at the dads droping there sons off to there classes. As my mother was so happy to meet “him” they both were married in just 2 months of knowing eachother. That’s when the abuse started , my step father is a man with deep seeded problems. He would hit , punch, slap, kick, and yell at me for the dumbest reason, although I did not rebel because of my respect I have for him. I slowly came into a deep depression, see puberty and depression mixed can cause a negative reaction. When I was in middle school I was a very anti social person. When I felt lonely I would buy “friends” for the day. It was beginning to be a problem that I myself could not solve, being which is obvious everything I did in school back fired in my face. My “friends” left my teachers gave up on me not to mention my parents that never even played apart of my life. If there is anyone to thank I would thank my grandfather, he was there since I was born and still is here for me. Its funny, I am the first gay person in my family. To think I hated gay people, I guess that saying is true “You’ll become the thing you hate”. I thought about another saying while I was pondering that thought, people will condemn what they don’t understand. I know my family will disown me if I come out to them anytime soon. The main thing I am planning on doing once I turn legal is living in the United Kingdom and be united with my hunn. I wish it was easier done then said because I really need help if I am walking that path. Love will conquer all at least for me, as long as he loves me I will strive and be all I can be without fail. Love is a everlasting bond that give the bearers inner power to go deeper in each others limits and boundaries. I learned a lot from past relationships with women like I am gullible and more or less an asshole when needed to be. My hunn showed my sensitive side to me, as much as he a friend I considered him my lover. He loves me and I love him so much. I would die for him in a heart beat, cry with him in a second , and make sweet love with him in a instant. I hope you have a new view on love for it can be a lot of things but fake. THIS IS A LETTER FROM A BOY TO HIS NEW FOUND FRIEND******************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ***************************** Dearest Lover, All I remember last night is 3 ciggarettes, a glass of water, 4 pain killers , and God. Through the time I was talking to you and in bed I was in pain, no amount of feelings for myself or from others could numb it. I was always a gullible boy when it came down to love. I understand I am improper, selfish, childish, confused, and so forth, but what you told me I will never forget. “You are just a very close friend” you told me, in that spit second I felt a dieing pain in my heart. As our convo ended with you blocking me saying I need to get with it. I grabed the pill bottle from my grandad’s medicine chest ,pour a glass of water, and went to my room tearing tears of pain. All the secrets I told you and all that I had done with you is in vain , I told myself. As I sat on my bed crying I popped the first pill thinking this is my night to remember if I wake up tomarrow. Then I lit my first cigarette trying to remember when was my last time I smoked. I started to go through old convos and lisining to voice clips you had made for me, thinking if we were really in love. I then popped the second pill and laid on my bed. I close my eyes trying to see what I couldn’t before. I saw glimpses of an altered future that a path I followed with you in the valley of the shadow of death. What I saw is us just the two of us, our first meeting in real life. We meet in America I remember a park with the united states flag on a high beam. We kiss and hug while people are watching then I open my eyes to see I am still in my room waiting for that day that will never come now. Then I pop the third pill in my mouth and drink abit of water, thinking why did God allow me to be born. I start to smoke again finishing the first cigarette, and then lite the second one. A tear rolls down my face and drops to the laptop, I can hear the tear drop down hitting the lap top boom. I then close my eyes to see yet another altered future, I see you a referee at a foot ball game. I am invisible on the field , you blow your wisle buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and I am back at my room again. I think what is wrong with me? While I lite the thired cigarette I remember that girl I dated online her name was Estella. She was pregnate while we were dating by her ex boyfriend that raped her, we loved each other , we truly did. Estella was a 16 year old girl from Plymouth England, we met on a teen forum. She really loved me I mean really LOVED ME. As time was going bye and her baby was growing inside her, she had a miscarriage and lost her 4 month old baby girl Jewel. As she broke the news to me she said she was so sorry, because she knew I would haved loved Jewel even if the Jewel isn’t mine. I then became so angry and tormented that I just shut down. Then I met her the bitch that poisoned me with her lustfulness, Jenika from guam yes from where I live. So I told myself , what the hell let me cut my loses ,dump Estella for a girl where I live. So I did, me and Estella never talked since, as time still went bye Jenika was cheating with my BEST FRIEND Reid. A 16 year old white boy from guam which I called my “wing man”. Reid was there anytime I needed him he was a phone call away, little did I know he was making out with Jenika behide my back. I found out by one of my relatives that was Jenika’s best friend. Shanna a 14 year old girl who is my closes relative to me. I tell her everything in my life. About us XXXX I told her everything we do online. She is the only person besides you and God I can be open with. I pop the forth one in now thinking yes its my time to shine I laugh to myself, I start getting more sleepy and I then close my eyes to see us yet again. We both look in our late 40s I see us with wedding rings in a kitchen were we sit talking about something. Of all of my regrets and regret nothing that came between us. I see us being who we want to be now. And that is enough for me. Its odd the pain is gone now. Its 4:am and beyond what I am thinking I am whole in this time. I found my inner power without the pain of love. And I am enlightened by this time I have tpying this. God is with me XXXX, are you? I never really loved you the way I loved Estella or Jenika. You are you never change for no one hunn. Gay and pound I am now thanks to you……I love you for that belive that. I am going to sleep now into my blissfull sumber amen. Love XXXX
THIS IS A LETTER FROM A BOY TO HIS LOVER********************************************* ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************* dearest XXXX The word love is such a hard word to understand , so many connections that can be fulfilled. My understanding of the word love in a bond between two lovers. A bond that binds us, that protects and guilds us. I imagine my lover as a man of light, shining apon my dark depressing world. See I was never really a gay 15 year old boy until I met him. My “hunn” he is the real reason why I am who I am today, he helped shaped me advice me and above all ACCEPT ME. I love him for that, its like all my problems just fade away when I am with him. He cheers me up and comforts me when I need him. I could never ask for more in a man then him. As much as love can falsely bear, I belive in it I need to belive in it. It makes me feel the “good” feeling in life that not just anyone can offer. Although my life wasn’t and still is not pretty I have no regrets, as much as I wish it just isn’t in the cards for my life to change in anyway. I guess it all starts when I was made in my mother. After my father found out my mother was pregnate my father abandoned us. I know it was hard for my mother at a early age but she alwayed put on a smile and kissed my cheek like mothers normally do. But I knew that she was hurting in the inside. I felt cheated in life that day on , I been f*cked over by the “Man”. Then he shows up in my life, yes him the one who hurt me mentally and physically. My step father , I don’t blame my mother for marrying him. All those lonely years you are bound to get desperate, I am to blame too. I opened my arms to a “so called” father , but what am I suppose to do? I was a 9 year old fatherless boy , begging for a dad. A dad to play ball with a dad to talk to a Dad to love. I hated it when I went to school and looked at the dads droping there sons off to there classes. As my mother was so happy to meet “him” they both were married in just 2 months of knowing eachother. That’s when the abuse started , my step father is a man with deep seeded problems. He would hit , punch, slap, kick, and yell at me for the dumbest reason, although I did not rebel because of my respect I have for him. I slowly came into a deep depression, see puberty and depression mixed can cause a negative reaction. When I was in middle school I was a very anti social person. When I felt lonely I would buy “friends” for the day. It was beginning to be a problem that I myself could not solve, being which is obvious everything I did in school back fired in my face. My “friends” left my teachers gave up on me not to mention my parents that never even played apart of my life. If there is anyone to thank I would thank my grandfather, he was there since I was born and still is here for me. Its funny, I am the first gay person in my family. To think I hated gay people, I guess that saying is true “You’ll become the thing you hate”. I thought about another saying while I was pondering that thought, people will condemn what they don’t understand. I know my family will disown me if I come out to them anytime soon. The main thing I am planning on doing once I turn legal is living in the United Kingdom and be united with my hunn. I wish it was easier done then said because I really need help if I am walking that path. Love will conquer all at least for me, as long as he loves me I will strive and be all I can be without fail. Love is a everlasting bond that give the bearers inner power to go deeper in each others limits and boundaries. I learned a lot from past relationships with women like I am gullible and more or less an asshole when needed to be. My hunn showed my sensitive side to me, as much as he a friend I considered him my lover. He loves me and I love him so much. I would die for him in a heart beat, cry with him in a second , and make sweet love with him in a instant. I hope you have a new view on love for it can be a lot of things but fake. THIS IS A LETTER FROM A BOY TO HIS NEW FOUND FRIEND******************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ***************************** Dearest Lover, All I remember last night is 3 ciggarettes, a glass of water, 4 pain killers , and God. Through the time I was talking to you and in bed I was in pain, no amount of feelings for myself or from others could numb it. I was always a gullible boy when it came down to love. I understand I am improper, selfish, childish, confused, and so forth, but what you told me I will never forget. “You are just a very close friend” you told me, in that spit second I felt a dieing pain in my heart. As our convo ended with you blocking me saying I need to get with it. I grabed the pill bottle from my grandad’s medicine chest ,pour a glass of water, and went to my room tearing tears of pain. All the secrets I told you and all that I had done with you is in vain , I told myself. As I sat on my bed crying I popped the first pill thinking this is my night to remember if I wake up tomarrow. Then I lit my first cigarette trying to remember when was my last time I smoked. I started to go through old convos and lisining to voice clips you had made for me, thinking if we were really in love. I then popped the second pill and laid on my bed. I close my eyes trying to see what I couldn’t before. I saw glimpses of an altered future that a path I followed with you in the valley of the shadow of death. What I saw is us just the two of us, our first meeting in real life. We meet in America I remember a park with the united states flag on a high beam. We kiss and hug while people are watching then I open my eyes to see I am still in my room waiting for that day that will never come now. Then I pop the third pill in my mouth and drink abit of water, thinking why did God allow me to be born. I start to smoke again finishing the first cigarette, and then lite the second one. A tear rolls down my face and drops to the laptop, I can hear the tear drop down hitting the lap top boom. I then close my eyes to see yet another altered future, I see you a referee at a foot ball game. I am invisible on the field , you blow your wisle buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and I am back at my room again. I think what is wrong with me? While I lite the thired cigarette I remember that girl I dated online her name was Estella. She was pregnate while we were dating by her ex boyfriend that raped her, we loved each other , we truly did. Estella was a 16 year old girl from Plymouth England, we met on a teen forum. She really loved me I mean really LOVED ME. As time was going bye and her baby was growing inside her, she had a miscarriage and lost her 4 month old baby girl Jewel. As she broke the news to me she said she was so sorry, because she knew I would haved loved Jewel even if the Jewel isn’t mine. I then became so angry and tormented that I just shut down. Then I met her the bitch that poisoned me with her lustfulness, Jenika from guam yes from where I live. So I told myself , what the hell let me cut my loses ,dump Estella for a girl where I live. So I did, me and Estella never talked since, as time still went bye Jenika was cheating with my BEST FRIEND Reid. A 16 year old white boy from guam which I called my “wing man”. Reid was there anytime I needed him he was a phone call away, little did I know he was making out with Jenika behide my back. I found out by one of my relatives that was Jenika’s best friend. Shanna a 14 year old girl who is my closes relative to me. I tell her everything in my life. About us XXXX I told her everything we do online. She is the only person besides you and God I can be open with. I pop the forth one in now thinking yes its my time to shine I laugh to myself, I start getting more sleepy and I then close my eyes to see us yet again. We both look in our late 40s I see us with wedding rings in a kitchen were we sit talking about something. Of all of my regrets and regret nothing that came between us. I see us being who we want to be now. And that is enough for me. Its odd the pain is gone now. Its 4:am and beyond what I am thinking I am whole in this time. I found my inner power without the pain of love. And I am enlightened by this time I have tpying this. God is with me XXXX, are you? I never really loved you the way I loved Estella or Jenika. You are you never change for no one hunn. Gay and pound I am now thanks to you……I love you for that belive that. I am going to sleep now into my blissfull sumber amen. Love XXXX